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FUNNIES
Nov 1, 2005 10:05:38 GMT -5
Post by silentone on Nov 1, 2005 10:05:38 GMT -5
I get so much stuff from friends and I thought i would pass some of them on to my "New Friends"
PLEASE ADD STUFF.....sometimes we all just need to laugh #rofl1#
First one......
The many meanings of P-M-S: 1.Pass My Shotgun
2.Psychotic Mood Shift
3.Perpetual Munching Spree 4.Puffy Mid-Section
5.People Make me ! Sick
6.ProvideMe withSweets
7.P! ardon My Sobbing
8Pimples May Surface
9.Pass My S! weatpants
10.Pouty Mood Syndrome
11 .Pack My Stuff
....and my favorite one..
12 .Potential Murder Suspect And as an example
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One!!! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They'd sit there in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out!! And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 13 YEARS! But if
they did, by some miracle of God, actually find the bulbs! 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS DARN HOUSE! I'm sorry. What was your question?
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FUNNIES
Nov 1, 2005 11:15:14 GMT -5
Post by Gagay on Nov 1, 2005 11:15:14 GMT -5
#rofl1# good one, silentone! *runs and looks for joke book*
Jane
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FUNNIES
Nov 1, 2005 20:50:54 GMT -5
Post by NorthCarolinaFan on Nov 1, 2005 20:50:54 GMT -5
Plastered all over the walls of the juniors' section in the department store were suggestive clothing names like "Tempted" and "Hot Kiss". I was appalled. "You certainly won't see that kind of thing where I shop," I commented to my husband. How right I was. In the area where they sold clothes for women my age, I saw above a rack of dresses the words "Sag Harbor."
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FUNNIES
Nov 1, 2005 21:01:42 GMT -5
Post by mljbray on Nov 1, 2005 21:01:42 GMT -5
Plastered all over the walls of the juniors' section in the department store were suggestive clothing names like "Tempted" and "Hot Kiss". I was appalled. "You certainly won't see that kind of thing where I shop," I commented to my husband. How right I was. In the area where they sold clothes for women my age, I saw above a rack of dresses the words "Sag Harbor." #rofl1# #rofl1# That's where I shop, too!!
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Post by Gagay on Nov 2, 2005 9:58:12 GMT -5
A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes! I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.
#lol_crash# Jane
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FUNNIES
Nov 2, 2005 10:23:25 GMT -5
Post by silentone on Nov 2, 2005 10:23:25 GMT -5
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you". She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes! I'm single and Catholic!" "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party. #lol_crash# Jane #lol# #rofl1# #lol# #rofl1#
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FUNNIES
Nov 2, 2005 10:24:43 GMT -5
Post by silentone on Nov 2, 2005 10:24:43 GMT -5
Two good women friends were having a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst ... my wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her behind that said ...
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'
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FUNNIES
Nov 2, 2005 11:26:39 GMT -5
Post by Gagay on Nov 2, 2005 11:26:39 GMT -5
Two good women friends were having a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst ... my wife came home with no panties!!" "That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her behind that said ... 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.' hahahaha... hahahahaha.... hahahahahaha... so what's the moral of the story? wear big knickers!!! #wootrock# karma for that, Cammy! Jane
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FUNNIES
Nov 2, 2005 11:52:11 GMT -5
Post by silentone on Nov 2, 2005 11:52:11 GMT -5
Thank you Jane you are a doll!!!
I really need to get a life....
[glow=yellow,2,300]This is a Blondes Year in Review [/glow] ( Sad thing is I am a Blonde and I am posting this!!!!
January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
February - Ordered new drapes for her computer because it had windows.
March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in six months because the box said "2-4 years."
April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because eight cups of water wouldn't fit into the little packet.
June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope
July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.
August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down.
September - When asked what the capital of California was, she answered "C."
October - Hates M &Ms because they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked a turkey for four days because the instructions said one hour per pound and she weighed 120.
December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button.
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Post by edel on Nov 5, 2005 0:53:13 GMT -5
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
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Post by edel on Nov 5, 2005 0:54:36 GMT -5
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light".
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
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Post by Gagay on Nov 5, 2005 5:36:15 GMT -5
edel! welcome back! #lol_crash#
Jane
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FUNNIES
Nov 5, 2005 10:17:41 GMT -5
Post by edel on Nov 5, 2005 10:17:41 GMT -5
edel! welcome back! #lol_crash# Jane thank you bespren!!!!! #maatje# mwah, Edel
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Post by Gagay on Nov 9, 2005 5:49:49 GMT -5
I already posted this in the International Pub/Lola's. I'm posting it again here because it's so funny. You may have already seen this. It's very popular in the internet. Click the link below and turn your speakers on. www.numanumadance.com/Jane
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FUNNIES
Nov 9, 2005 13:33:47 GMT -5
Post by freyja on Nov 9, 2005 13:33:47 GMT -5
#jump2# Try this...it'll keep ya busy for a while... #lol_crash# Might even drive ya NUTS!!! #mad# #mad# Just don't get mad at me cuz you look at the clock and find you've spent all day tryin' fly this darn thing!! #watchit# #mur# #watchit# #mur# #lol_crash# www.hurtwood.demon.co.uk/Fun/copter.swf
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